“To see what’s left when I can’t escape into other people’s lives.” That’s what I said yesterday.
It’s only been three days, but I’m already feeling something. I’ve been in a bit of a funky mood these last couple of days, and with that has come an unusually low amount of fucks I give and people I want to listen to. For the past few months I’ve always had an audiobook or podcast in my ear, for one of two reasons:
- to cheer me up
- to act as a barrier between me and myself
Now that I currently can’t bear to listen to other people talk, I find myself alone with my… thoughts. (A collective shudder goes through the crowd.)
Quite often my thoughts are not a fun place to be. I’ll spare you the details, but I tend to brood. (Which is why I plan so much. It distracts me.) And then I tend to not do anything about the things I brood over, which leads to more brooding.
It’s interesting to note though; until now I thought I had the brooding thing dealt with, when it turns out I was just masking it with noise and distraction. There’s a long way to go.
So right now I’m trying to get used to the silence. I meditate, which I’ll probably do more than usual of in the next few days. I read fiction. And I’m writing a poem about this thought salad, because I’m due to perform at a poetry slam next week and have nothing to show.
Gotta make it work.