Day 30. The missing bit

There’s one thing I never concerned myself with throughout this entire month, and yesterday I realised what it is: my phone at work.

Do you ever have one of these days where you seem to be stuck in a social dead zone? All your communications have gone quiet, and nobody is replying to your messages?

And certainly it’s just a coincidence that everybody is busy, or not feeling up to talking right now for one of 200 possible reasons, but still you sit there with your anxiety welling up and try and fail to convince yourself that it’s fine, it’s not you, and this is definitely not the day the world as a collective has realised you’re not worth talking to or being friends with and has just silently dropped you??

…well that last bit might just be me, but I hope the first bit is somewhat relatable.

Anyway, yesterday was one of these days. And as I got more and more nervous, no matter how much I tried telling myself everything was fine, I picked up my phone more and more, hoping for some kind of relief. Not even necessarily one of the messages I was waiting for, just… anything to calm me down. I was even close to re-installing the Buzzfeed app.

When I made these rules about internet consumption during the week, I never bothered to put any restrictions on my time at work. It’s perfectly acceptable to have our phones on our desks at work, and I often use mine to listen to podcasts or for the occasional important messaging. So it’s incredibly easy just to pick it up when the busy mind needs a pacifier. At the end of the day, I felt so gross and unhappy I really regretted not thinking about this aspect of media consumption earlier.

Today, I tried to make a conscious effort to stay away from my phone. I didn’t quite manage to hide it away completely (that’s a work in progress), but I looked at it a lot less. One day I hope I can just put it away for hours. I kinda miss those days when I didn’t even know where my phone was sometimes.

Well, there’s always something to work on.

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